


in ways that humans simply can't

by yoongiinthecity



Category: GOT7, K-pop, Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: AI Bang Chan, AI Park Jinyoung, AI Seungmin, Adaptation, Alternate Universe - Artificial Intelligence, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Angst, Artificial Intelligence, Domesticity, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Existential Angst, Existentialism, F/M, Falling In Love, Getting to Know Each Other, Human Lee Minho | Lee Know, Inconsistent chapter lengths, Inspired by the movie Zoe, Love, M/M, Mentions of Prostitution, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Other SKZ members will appear later, Scientist Im Jaebum, Slow Burn, Some of them will be as kids, Unrequited Love, inaccurate science, learning to love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 20:14:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29176998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yoongiinthecity/pseuds/yoongiinthecity
Summary: “What if it doesn’t go smoothly though?” Chan asked when they were driving towards his new home. “What happens if I don’t feel anything? Or if Minho doesn’t feel anything for me?”Jaebum smiled reassuringly at him, reaching to ruffle Chan’s hair. “Then we try again. That’s what love is, isn’t it?”Chan understood the idea, he has memories of heartbreak and moving on, but he knew they aren’t his.“That means I find a new person to love then?”“Well, we’ll see,” Jaebum said instead. “You don’t have to put too much pressure on yourself, Chan. You don’t have to like or love him as soon as possible. Remember that even though you are a synthetic, your feelings are just as real as anyone else’s and they are just as important. Remember what I told you?”“Love yourself first,” Chan answered almost immediately. Does accepting one's existence equate to loving one's self, however?Or:Bang Chan knows he's a synthetic. He knows that he was made for a purpose in this world. He also hopes that that purpose is Lee Minho.
Relationships: Bang Chan & Im Jaebum, Bang Chan/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung
Comments: 2
Kudos: 35





	1. i. love yourself

**Author's Note:**

> Greetings!
> 
> This work is inspired by Drake Doremus' 2018 film, Zoe, starring Ewan McGregor and Lea Seydoux.
> 
> I watched the film years ago, and although some things could be done better in the film, I loved how they discussed the validity of love and emotions as manifested in Artificial Intelligence.
> 
> I kind of made that into the central theme of this fic, and took some character inspirations from the film as well. I could only hope I did it justice however.
> 
> This fic will definitely be talking about deep existential and philosophical shit, since our main character is an Artificial Intelligence who falls in love for the first time. Is his feelings real? Are they valid? Is it considered love when he only has memories of falling in love and never actual experiences of it? 
> 
> There will be inaccurate descriptions and explanations behind the science stuff that goes on in the making of an AI. So computer science majors/graduates, or coding experts, don't come at me huhu. I only use the AI as a plot device and is not meant to be educational or informative. 
> 
> Quick warning though! There will be a character here who is a former prostitute. Mentions of prostitution and ethical use of AI will be found in later chapters. 
> 
> Title of the fic comes from one of the lines of Theo James' character in the movie.
> 
> I hope you'll like this, and I hope I can get a few responses from you guys too. Let me know what you think about the themes in the story, because I do love talking about the validity of emotions and feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a mood board for this chapter!
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/p/CLqUop7sBTQ/?igshid=1n345ni3e8fl8

|||

He had always believed that the truth of his existence was to make people happy. It was something that had been instilled in him the first time he was programmed. He was lucky than most to be able to ask his creator what his purpose was to the world, why he came into existence in the first place. They’d given him a paraphrased version of the company mission although it had already been uploaded into his data bank even before they put him online. They’d given him emotions, experiences and memories, and a whole back story although he knows they were all fabricated. 

He had believed he was human at some early point in his life and there were those believable memories of him swimming in a beach in Australia, making songs in a cheap iPad app, and learning how to dance. When his creators told him the truth, it made him sad for a while. It was a truth that changed everything and his point of existence. They told him to look into the mirror and he’d know it: the tiny cogs barely visible in the colors of his eyes which was the perhaps the only obvious physical distinction between humans and AI.

He had a purpose, they told him, and although it was devastating to have everything that he had known be revealed as a lie, he had no choice but to accept it. There was no possibility of happiness for the likes of him if he never accepted himself, and if he wanted to have a shot at happiness regardless of his synthetic organs and his binary programming, he had to swallow the big pill.

So he began to see the world in newer eyes, not physically, although it was possible, but figuratively. He had always seen the world in the same way that a human does, now he began to see the world as a synthetic human.

Knowing what he knew now about his company and his creators, he believed that he was there to make people happy by being a companion to them when they were lonely. His creators believed that they could make lives better by building on romantic relationships, not only through numbers and probability, but the creation of the ideal partners through artificial intelligence.

He had waited for his purpose, the opportunity to make use of his programming and make someone happy. His creators told him that it wasn’t time yet, while they made others like him, and made him undergo situational experiments to test his design. He went through it without complaint and even helped in the creation of the other synthetic humans.

He was given his opportunity one day when he met Minho. He met him under a controlled situation. Minho had reluctantly signed up for the synthetic partner program and was equally reluctant to meet the partner made for him. Accompanied by Jaebum, his primary creator, he met Minho at the company lobby.

Minho was tall, tan and had a toned build. He had read about the short profile they had collected from Minho and he had to admit he was excited to meet what would be his opportunity and if the other man allowed it, his purpose for existing.

Minho was shy and kept short and frequent glances at him. He found it cute, but didn’t want to comment on it in fear of embarrassing the other man.

“Hello, I’m Jaebum Im,” his creator introduced as he stretched a hand for a shake. “And this is Chan, one of our first synthetic models. Say ‘hi’ Chan.” The older man coaxed him by placing a hand on his lower back and gesturing to take a seat near Minho.

“Minho Lee…but I guess you already know that,” Minho said, shaking Jaebum’s hand and his free hand rubbing at his nape in embarrassment. He snuck a peek at Chan who slowly extended his hand with a smile on his face.

“Hello, I’m Chan,” he introduced. Minho gave him a small smile as he shyly shook his hand. His palm was sweaty, but Chan decided not to comment on it. There was nothing wrong in anxiety, especially towards a situation like this.

“Hi,” Minho nodded, pulling his hand away and almost immediately rubbing his palms on his jeans. “Uh, shall we sit?” he asked, looking at Jaebum mostly.’

The first half of the conversation went like that. It was Jaebum talking mostly to Minho, and Minho would be answering bashfully while sneaking glances at the synthetic human. Chan didn’t mind at all, it gave him the chance to observe the other human: his mannerisms and speech habits, remembering them for later purposes.

It wasn’t until after half an hour, Jaebum stood up to leave and to have Chan and Minho spend a short period of time to get to know each other. It was crucial in the final trials for compatibility. Having built-in emotions himself, Chan was nervous that Minho might not like him, that he might find him lacking, or that he was unable to see past his being synthetic. But he swallowed it down and channeled all those socializing activities his creators made him go through, to gain more confidence. His first goal was to make Minho comfortable, although it may not be possible to make him forget that he wasn’t entirely human, he wanted to make him comfortable with the idea instead.

Jaebum left them in the lobby with an encouraging smile for both of them.

Chan gave his creator a small wave as he watched him walk away and disappear into a hallway. He turned to Minho who had his hands on his lap and gaze stuck to the floor.

“Hi,” Chan greeted, leaning against the sofa and respecting the short distance Minho put between them. “Do you drink coffee?”

Minho looked at him softly. At this point, Minho’s strange similar features with a cat was undeniable and Chan found it even more endearing. Minho nodded in answer to Chan’s question, and the synthetic human smiled widely at him as he stood up.

“The coffee at the company café isn’t bad. I can treat you if you want?” Chan asked, holding his hand out in invitation. “Sorry,” Chan added after noting the way Minho looked at his palm. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

Minho blushed, probably embarrassed at being too obvious. Chan didn’t mind it, knowing full well about the anxieties of being close to an AI. But it was his goal to alleviate it.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you,” Minho said in a small voice, eyes fixed on his palm.

Chan smiled at the human. “No offense taken. Shall we?”

Minho looked back up, meeting his eyes. Chan took his hand away into his pocket and gestured for them to go with a tilt of his head. Minho nodded and stood up.

“Y-yeah,” he muttered and followed Chan out of the lobby.

Chan had hoped the coffee would make Minho a bit more relaxed. He had gone to order for them and we returned, Minho was looking as much of the bundle of nerves he had left to get their coffee.

“Here you go,” Chan said as he placed the cups of coffee on the table they set themselves in. 

“Thank you,” Minho returned as he took his own cup. They spend the first minutes in silence, and Chan didn’t mind it although he wouldn’t lie and say he wasn’t nervous as well. He wanted to be liked, after all.

“You…” Minho started, clearing his throat. “You don’t really seem…synthetic,” he said, his cheeks burning into a shade of pink. “Again, I don’t mean to offend you. It’s just…well, you’re not what I expected.”

Chan chuckled. “What did you expect?” He took a sip of the coffee to make a point.

Minho shrugged. “I don’t know, actually. Maybe I expected you to act a bit robotic? I don’t know, I haven’t really seen or gotten near AI, and most of my knowledge comes from the movies.”

“Ah,” Chan mused. “Let me guess, creepy artificial intelligence that watches everyone’s moves and is secretly plotting the end of humankind?”

Minho smiled. “Yeah, it’s not really good prior knowledge.”

“Don’t worry though. Jaebum and the others were heavily inspired by Spielberg’s AI,” Chan said. “I can eat food though. I can’t imagine life without having ever drank coffee.”

Minho chuckled at that.

The hour they had spent in the café had ended smoothly. Minho had visibly relaxed at some point when they began talking about pets and music. They didn’t even notice the time until Jaebum came back to bring Chan back into the lab. The two had shared their goodbyes, and when asked about how he felt about the first meeting, Chan didn’t hold back in saying that he liked Minho. Of course he didn’t like him as a potential lover just yet. That was the whole point of the program, but Chan genuinely liked talking to Minho. He had been shy and closed-off, but once you got him talking about his cats and his love for dancing, the shy exterior had immediately evaporated.

Chan liked to believe that he had managed to reach the human even with the short time they had together. There was a feeling of longing mixing in his chest as he watched Minho leave the building. He knew his feelings and he was sure he wanted to see the human again, this he told candidly to Jaebum when he asked if he wanted to see him again.

Jaebum smiled at him. “That’s good. I guess you two are off with a great start then?”

Chan nodded. “I hope so.”

They were currently packing Chan’s stuff into a few boxes. It was after all, important that Chan live as normally as possible, and that meant having to move out of the labs and into an apartment Jaebum had set for him.

“What if it doesn’t go smoothly though?” Chan asked when they were driving towards his new home. “What happens if I don’t feel anything? Or if Minho doesn’t feel anything for me?”

Jaebum smiled reassuringly at him, reaching to ruffle Chan’s hair. “Then we try again. That’s what love is, isn’t it?”

Chan understood the idea, he has memories of heartbreak and moving on, but he knew they aren’t his.

“That means I find a new person to love then?”

“Well, we’ll see,” Jaebum said instead. “You don’t have to put too much pressure on yourself, Chan. You don’t have to like or love him as soon as possible. Remember that even though you are a synthetic, your feelings are just as real as anyone else’s and they are just as important. Remember what I told you?”

“Love yourself first,” Chan answered almost immediately. He doesn’t know what it means to love themselves, however. Jaebum and the others keep reminding him, but how can one know if they loved themselves? And how can one know that they lack it? He doesn’t want to ask Jaebum anymore questions since he doesn’t want to bother him with seemingly childish questions. Maybe it was part of his journey. Sure he accepts his point of existing, but Jaebum never fails to remind him that he’s more than just that. He treats Chan like a real person, and for that Chan will always be grateful. Does accepting one’s existence equate to loving one’s self, however?

|||


	2. ii. make your own memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a moodboard!
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/p/CLq3-jAs95e/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

|||

It had been a few weeks since Chan had moved into his new apartment. He and the other staff at the labs had accompanied him in the search for a suitable place for him. Although they had ventured out and made a list of good apartments without Chan having any special preferences, they were able to find one that Chan had absolutely found himself living in. Jaebum had told himself that the size or the number of rooms shouldn’t matter, just as long as he found himself a home that he could make new memories in. (It didn’t help in the slightest in making a decision, but Chan had appreciated the advice.)

The apartment they had settled with was located in a good neighborhood. It was considerably far away from the labs, but Chan had no qualms about it. He liked to walk to the bus stop and walk a few blocks. The neighbors seem to be nice too, since they always invited Chan for a meal or for a cup of tea whenever they bumped into him on the hallway or the elevator. They had even given Chan pastries and dishes as a welcoming gift. (Chan wasn’t sure if they were aware if he was synthetic, but Jaebum had assured him that doesn’t matter.)

Once the boxes had been unpacked, and the furniture assembled and arranged, Chan took a good look at his new home. He didn’t have a lot in terms of personal affects besides the obvious and the necessary, but he found that the task of converting the new space into a home a challenge in the next few weeks. What did make a space a home?

The labs had been home because it was where the other people he considered friends were, and he had memories of living with a family, with a pair of roommates, but he didn’t know what made people long for home after a busy and grueling day.

Even Jaebum’s office and other staff workers’ cubicles were homier than Chan’s apartment, which consisted of minimal furniture, bland neutral colors, and little to no decorations. He had seen his coworkers put up photographs and plants on their desks, some had put up encouraging messages on their cork boards, some even had these obscure toys that allegedly helped with concentration. Either way, everyone’s spaces had been defined by the things they placed on their desks. Chan wonders how he would express his own identity when all he’s ever had were someone else’s memories, and an amalgamation of handpicked personality traits. He only bought a cork board to pin bills and receipts on, a few refrigerator magnets, and coasters, to add to his seemingly bland home.

Chan did buy a cactus one day and placed it on his coffee table. It didn’t really scream who he is, but Chan took comfort in the lonely plant. It was a step, and besides, humans perpetually change features of their identity, who’s to say a synthetic human can’t?

He was in the process of learning how to cook a new recipe when he heard a few knocks on his door. Curiously, he turned off the stove and went to answer the door. He was immediately hit with yells and whistles courtesy of his coworkers who began to file themselves in. Chan took note of the bags of food, drink, and balloons (?!) they brought in. Bambam had snapped a party hat on his head.

“What’s going on?” he had asked.

“We’re throwing you a party!” Bambam had answered, and proceeded to give everyone party hats. Jaebum had been the last to enter, and he was sporting a bright red clown nose.

“A house-warming party,” Jaebum had corrected, bumping his shoulder to Chan’s as a form of greeting. “Figured you needed one,” the scientist had beamed, and pushed him further into the apartment.

Chan was surprised. He knew that house-warming parties were a thing that people do, but he honestly didn’t think that it was necessary for him since most of the people who were now busy decorating his apartment with streamers, and preparing food in his kitchen had been present when he got the apartment. He had been vaguely aware that he was some sort of intellectual child between all these creative minds, and having him move out of the labs was something equivalent as moving out of one’s family home.

But he was happy. He would definitely categorize that night as one of the happiest he’s felt in his entire life. He had felt like he had a family, despite not really having one. He felt like he was a normal human being who was being thrown a party, who was eating so much he could vomit, who was laughing so much that he felt his stomach hurt. He felt like he had mattered, even more so when they had sat him down on his couch and started shoving house-warming presents at him.

He had gotten vases and decorative plates, macramé plant hangers, a welcome mat, and a few other house decorations that his coworkers had insisted he had to have in his home. (Jeongguk had given him some stuffed toys which Chan was initially confused where to place. Jeongguk had made the decision for him and placed the bunny and wolf plushies on his bed. The designer had smiled at him and told him, “So you’ll always think of me before you sleep and when you wake up!”)

But his favorite present was the one Jaebum had given. It was no surprise really, since the man could always read him like a book, and somehow knew more things than Chan knew about himself. (Chan had always acknowledged Jaebum as a father of sorts, but he’s never told the scientist this.) His creator had placed a weighty box on his lap, and when Chan opened it, he had found so many framed photographs of him and of the staff inside.

He took out a frame one by one, and examined every one of it. There were so many photos that contained so many memories.There was a photo of him and Bambam doing goofy faces at the camera, the photo where he and Jihyo had a slight altercation with a cake, a group photo of everyone where Chan had been declared completed, and one where Jaebum had an arm around Chan as they posted for a photo after Chan had learned to code his first program. And at the bottom of the box was an empty photo album.

Chan had looked up to see that everyone was watching him with smiles on their faces.

“We all pitched in on the photos,” Jaebum said, looking proud. “So you could have something to put up.”

“And the album?” Chan asked.

“So you could continue making new memories.”

Chan knew that if he could cry, he would have at that moment. He had memories for sure, but it was mostly to provide him basic knowledge of the world, something to have comparisons for. And he was reminded at that moment that although all he had were false memories, he had the opportunity to have and make his own. That meant a lot to him.

Minho had smiled at him when he recounted all of this the next time Chan had met with him. It was their fourth meeting so far, and Minho had considerably become more comfortable around Chan. And Chan realized he was enjoying these little meetings with Minho more and more.

“That’s very sweet of them. You’re lucky to have friends who care so much about you,” Minho said.

Chan chuckled. “I guess so.”

“Hey, after this, let me get you a present too,” Minho offered. “I kinda wanna give you something too.”

“Oh, you know you don’t have to, right?” Chan said, feeling a bit flustered at the thought of Minho buying him anything. 

“Like I said, I want to,” Minho smiled. “Though you have to tell me everything they gave you so I won’t get something similar.”

Minho had dragged him away from the café they were at, to the mall where they looked through the shops, mostly forgetting the reason why they’re there in the first place as they laughed over horrible clothes and bonded over shared tastes in movies. In the end though, Minho had bought Chan a book.

“It’s an easy read. You could probably read it in just a few hours since it’s sort of like a children’s book,” Minho explained. “I remember reading it when I was a kid, and I loved it.”

“Thank you. I’ll read right away when I’m at home,” Chan said, already looking forward to it. He has read a lot of books. Although they’re mostly academic and intellectual, he did read a few fiction novels.

“It’s not as sentimental as your friends’ presents,” Minho continued. “But I hope you’ll like it anyway,” he said with a hopeful smile.

Chan was sure he was going to like it, he wanted to like it so he could tell Minho and see him smile like that again.

They went their separate ways after that, and when Chan had cleaned up and settled in bed, he took the book out of its bag. He smiled at the thought of Minho sharing a piece of his childhood with him, and he began to read.

|||

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did say that the new chapter would be this Wednesday, but I just got laid off work so I might as well post something earlier. I hope you're having a better day than I am hahaha
> 
> I guess this'll be having more frequent posts.
> 
> As always, I hope you like this update. Don't forget to kudos, comment and bookmark.


	3. iii. you fall in love with a person, not a gender

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double update, cuz why nootttt
> 
> Edit: I made a moodboard!
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/p/CLq4Nm-Mj5S/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

|||

Chan’s production had finished half a year ago. But it took a few months before Chan could begin the process of acclimating himself to the human world. After all, he was the first synthetic that the company had built, and a few measures had to be established before Jaebum could even have the freedom to start whatever trials and programs he had wanted Chan to undergo. (Chan remembers Jaebum complaining so many times about how if he had his way and the money, he would’ve just told the investors to fuck off and have Chan grow up in his own apartment. Chan was amused with the idea since it had strengthened that image of Jaebum being a father figure even more.)

Jaebum didn’t tell him what the investors wanted in return for the funding for Chan’s manufacturing, but Chan could tell he was under stress about it, and clearly disagreed with them. Yugyeom had told him it was another case of greedy businessmen wanting to capitalize on an ‘evolved’ AI, when Jaebum had only wanted to do his research in peace.

So, the program Chan was undergoing was an experiment of sorts, and a compromise between the research team and the investors. The program was meant to gauge Chan’s emotional capability if he was completely capable of it in the first place. The fact that one of their people who came to visit and take initial ‘assessments’ of Chan, made a joke about the synthetic’s possibility of going on a violent killing spree, had stirred an ugly emotion which Chan would later recognize as irritation. Jaebum had responded to the joke with a sarcastic one, saying that if that were ever to happen to Chan then the man would be the first of Chan’s targets. That had shut the businessman up, with a nervous chuckle.

The first stage of the program had happened without Chan knowing, and had happened the moment he was online. They were now on the second stage of the program, now that Chan’s basest emotions had been established. The point of the second stage was to see how Chan would react to strong emotions, and since he was a synthetic made to become the perfect partner, the second stage was to see if and how Chan could fall in love.

That’s where Minho had come in. And although Chan is aware that their meeting would not have happened if not for the program looking for volunteers, and aware that their friendship was in itself an experiment, Chan genuinely liked spending his weekends with Minho. Even if those meetings were under controlled environments, and even if there was the possibility that Minho was only tolerating their meetings because he was being compensated.

Chan was told not to think about it, and there had been so many times where he wanted to ask Minho if any of it were real but didn’t because he was afraid of scaring or offending the human away. It was better that way, he thought, because he would have rather been told the truth of meeting Minho rather than going under another lie. Chan didn’t think he’d take it.

And since it was an experiment, Minho wasn’t the only one he had met in the past weeks. There was Lisa, who works as a chef at a hotel restaurant (she says they have two Michelin stars already). She was friendly and bubbly during their first meeting, and had been genuinely curious about his being synthetic. It was the harmless kind of curiosity, and Chan genuinely likes her because she made him feel good about his being synthetic. Their meetings the past weeks had consisted of going out to try street food, and their last meeting had Chan visit her restaurant. She cooked him a Thai recipe, and they went through a hilarious incident of Chan going through liters of milk and water because he couldn’t apparently handle the spice. (He had told Jaebum about that, and the scientist had laughed before going on an impromptu experiment on taste testing.)

Of course Minho and Lisa knew about each other. But they never asked about the other even if Chan would mention them once or twice in their meetings. He understood that it was probably one of the rules they were instructed to follow before they continued with the program. Chan had begun to feel like one of the contestants of a reality show where he had to see different people to decide who his endgame would be (minus the excessive touching and sex, perhaps).

Jaebum had always been wary even before the start of the project. Chan had been the culmination of years of study and research, of many trials and projects, and it was normal for Jaebum to feel possessive and responsible over the synthetic. Especially when the investors had proposed they basically manipulate and abuse Chan’s feelings. And although it made sense that adding variables to the situation would increase the possibilities of Chan’s capability to feel, Jaebum had stressed that Chan was already capable of feeling and thus capable of getting hurt. That’s why Jaebum had only asked for two volunteers for the project, and it was enough since Chan had a point of comparison when or if he develops feelings for one of the two (or for both). Even then, Jaebum had made sure Minho and Lisa underwent deep and major psychological evaluations and screenings before he had them meet Chan.

And honestly, the synthetic was happy that it had been Minho and Lisa because he genuinely liked to hang out with them. But when asked many times, Chan had to admit that he was looking forward to meeting Minho more so than Lisa.

“It has nothing to do with Lisa,” Chan had immediately added when he was on video call with Bambam, who had overseen that particular evaluation. “She’s fun, and I like her a lot, but being with Minho is different. It excites me to a degree that I can’t keep still when the day of our meeting is nearer, but with Lisa, it’s me anticipating the meeting with less…anxiety.”

Bambam paused for a few seconds before tilting his head. “Then…if you don’t mind me asking, do you think you’re gay?”

“I don’t know,” Chan replied. “Can synthetics have a sexual preference? Or is it something that was already programmed in me?”

“Well, buddy, you were programmed to love. There’s really no putting a gender to it, is there?” Bambam said, stopping the recorder and thus concluding the evaluation. “I mean either way, everyone falls in love with a person, more so than a sex or gender,” Bambam shrugged.

“Are you gay?” Chan asked.

Bambam chuckled. “Well, I have no preference. I fall in love with people, just like you.”

“How did you know?”

Bambam shrugged again, “I’ve always found both guys and girls attractive. I didn’t make a big deal out of it since I mostly dated girls. It wasn’t until college when I started making it a big deal. I fell in love with a boy that time, and he was straight as fuck.” The young scientist laughed as if it was a fond memory. “He beat the shit out of me too.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Nah, don’t be,” the human waved it off. “I went directly to Student Affairs and got the dude expelled. Thank God the university had a no-tolerance policy for those kinds of things. Anyway,” he smiled at Chan. “Don’t think about sexual preferences or whatever labels that are being made right now. Your first step is to understand what it is you feel, and if you happen to feel those for a boy, or a girl, it shouldn’t matter.”

“Thank you.”

“No problem. Although, this is making me curious about your whole take on sex,” Bambam said with concerning seriousness.

“Oh God, I am leaving now,” Chan said, already grabbing his coat to leave the lab.

Bambam chuckled. “Well, you’re going to be curious sooner or later,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows. “But I’ll leave the birds and the bees talk to Jaebum.”

|||

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, the chapter title, and Bambam's wisdom on falling in love with people and not sex or genders are actually quoted and inspired, respectively, from Sandra Alvarenga.


	4. iv. there's no rationalizing feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a moodboard!
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/p/CLq4aUah8Hm/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

|||

He was at the labs, currently looking through a new synthetic program they were developing. With the continued funds, came the many projects that Jaebum had to start. One of them was a program to develop a synthetic that instead of keeping people company, was a synthetic who was made to suit a child or a person’s learning troubles. Jaebum had approached the idea only a few months ago, and now he was determined to have Chan help in the production. 

“We should give him a name,” Chan said after a few hours of coding.

Jaebum had looked up from the facial and body designs Jeongguk had sent him for the new synthetic. “Give who a name?”

Chan had gestured towards the numbers and letters on his screen. “I know he’s just a program at the moment, like maybe a fetus in the womb, but I don’t feel comfortable calling him Project Synth-0222.”

Jaebum stared at him for a while, and for a second Chan thought he had offended the scientist. It was Jaebum’s project after all. Before he could apologize, the scientist had nodded. “Sure. Now that you’ve said it like that, it feels like calling a baby ‘it’. You should give him a name,” Jaebum said.

“Really?”

“Yeah, go for it. Besides, I already had a name for you even when you were at this stage of production.”

“It’s like you’re giving me permission to name a little brother.”

“Well technically he is?” Jaebum chuckled. “What will it be? Or do you wanna think about it more?”

Chan thought for a while. There was a name already popping inside his head, and he knew he had heard of the name somewhere inside his ‘memories’. Someone’s little brother was named Seungmin, and Chan smiled at the thought.

“Seungmin, let’s call him Seungmin,” he said, and Jaebum smiles with a nod.

“I’ll tell Jihyo to rename all files concerning Synth-0222 to Project Seungmin, then,” Jaebum says, and Chan turns back to his computer to continue coding.

The rest of the afternoon goes on like that. Jaebum occasionally leaves to look into the other departments, and to have a few zoom meetings in his office. Chan has just finished cleaning his desk when Jaebum enters the workroom with his own bag slung over his shoulder.

“You good to go?” Jaebum asks.

“Yeah, why?” Chan says, making a show to carry his own bag. 

“Let’s go get dinner,” Jaebum says, motioning out with a head tilt. “My treat.”

Chan couldn’t say no to free food, and ironically, contrary to the popular belief that synthetics needed little to no food, Chan had a voracious appetite. Jaebum had said it was because they were able to create some sort of system where the atom particles of food could be broken down and transformed into supplementary energy that helps keep the synthetic running. Although Chan mostly ran on fuel, the sustainable source of energy had helped in cutting costs (Jaebum had been so proud of Yugyeom when the young physicist had gotten a Nobel Prize for developing that system).

“Where do you wanna go?” Jaebum asks once they step out of the building. “I’m not really in a particular mood for something, so just say where you wanna go or what you wanna eat,” the scientist shrugs.

“Well, I’ve been craving a lot of Mexican, lately,” Chan says.

“Okay, yeah sure.”

They head to this Mexican restaurant that Chan has been to once with Lisa. He takes her meal and restaurant suggestions seriously, for obvious reasons. Besides, he had never not liked any of the food or the places Lisa had suggested, and since Jaebum had as much as an appetite as he does, he thought maybe the scientist might like the place too.

They make their orders after getting a table, and after a bit of small talk, Chan has to wonder why Jaebum invited him to dinner. It’s not an unusual thing for them, since they do get a meal sometimes. But he has a feeling that the scientist had wanted to ask or say something. Chan likes to think he has become good at reading Jaebum, knowing him so well after almost a year of spending so many hours together in the lab, either working on Chan’s metrics or other synthetic-related projects. But he has to admit that he knows Jaebum more as a scientist, a boss, and a mentor, rather than a friend. (Like how some sons see their fathers as a paternal figure or even an authority figure, rather than a friend.) 

Some part of him suddenly remembers that conversation he had with Bambam last weekend, and he freezes at how the conversation might turn to at some point during dinner.

“So…have you spoken to Bambam recently?” Chan asks after their orders had arrived.

Jaebum shook his head. “No, why? Did you two argue again? Is this about lunch menu, again?” There was a slight tone of accusation in his tone, especially when he asked about the second part.

“No, of course not,” Chan says. “I’ve been packing lunches now, haven’t I? And Bambam and I have never complained about the organic food since it happened.”

Jabeum chuckles quietly. “You haven’t, but Bambam still finds a way to complain about it, to me especially, like I have anything to do with the cafeteria’s decision process over the lunch menu.”

“Well it’s Bambam, he does like to bully you.”

Jaebum scoffs. “He likes to think he can bully me. Anyway, why are you asking about Bambam?”

Chan shrugs. “Nothing important.”

“Is this about the last evaluation?” Jaebum asks, not looking up from his food. Chan watches Jaebum cut his food in big pieces before shoving one into his mouth.

“Maybe?” Chan says, taking a small bite from his own meal. “He did say he’d leave that…talk to you.”

Jaebum looks at him, and takes his time chewing his food. “I understand the topic of sexuality had surfaced?”

“Yeah,” Chan looks down at his meal, already feeling a small wave of heat spread his face and ears.

“Do you…want me to…talk about it?” Jaebum asks with a frown, putting his utensils down. “Because although I know that you’d get curious about it, I didn’t think you’d ask over a really good plate of chili verde.”

Chan could already tell his face was red with embarrassment. “No, I’m not asking about it…well, not yet, I guess. But… I thought you wanted to talk about it?”

“No, why would I want to?”

“Because you invited me to dinner?”

“Dude, I would rather have this whole conversation at somewhere that isn’t a crowded restaurant. And no, that’s not why I asked you to dinner,” Jaebum says, poking at his food with his fork, before he starts laughing. “Did you really think I would do that over food? In a restaurant? A family restaurant?” he chuckles.

Chan feels embarrassed, but he laughs just as well. “Okay, yeah, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I made that connection.”

“It’s fine,” Jaebum waves it off. “But you are right, I do want to talk to you about something.” Jaebum points the fork at Chan. “And just to be clear, it’s not about the birds and the bees.”

“Thank God. Because I honestly do not want to talk about it in the soonest foreseeable future,” Chan says with a breath of relief and grabs his fork. “What did you want to talk about?”

“I invited you as a friend, Chan. So everything we talk about tonight is completely off the record. Besides, I doubt the sleazy reps from the investors would even care if it were,” Jaebum says. “But anyway, I wanted to talk about Minho and Lisa.”

“Ah,” Chan understands. “So this is like an informal evaluation, then?”

“Eh,” Jaebum frowns. “Not really. I read Bambam’s report on the evaluation. I also went through the entire data we’ve collected during Phase 2, and I think we have everything we need.” He looks at Chan. “You know what that means, right?”

“That means I’d have to stop meeting with Minho and Lisa,” Chan says. “Do they know?”

“Not yet,” Jaebum shakes his head. “I wanted to talk to you before I officially conclude Phase 2. And I’d like to hear what you have to say before I do anything.”

“Why? You can just conclude Phase 2, it’s fine.”

Jaebum leans on the table, his chin resting on his palm. “Remember what I said after Phase 1 ended? And what I said to those reps when we were about to start Phase 2?”

Chan nods. He remembers it vividly. “You told me you’d never let my feelings be manipulated or abused in any way because I felt just as strongly as humans can, and therefore requires respect.”

The scientist nods with a small smile. They don’t really talk much about Phase 1 since it was a really dark time for both the synthetic and the research team. Chan doesn’t want to talk about it mainly because he didn’t want to be reminded that the first feelings he had ever really felt were those of anguish and hopelessness. It reminds him of the time where he had thought so darkly and so bleakly about life, about the people who he saw as friends, and about himself.

“Yeah. Concluding Phase 2 would mean you won’t be seeing Minho or Lisa anymore, at least not in a situation where you guys have to because of an experiment. And I’m aware you’re starting to develop feelings for one of them.”

“I don’t know about that. I never said that I started developing feelings for them after those meetings.”

Jaebum chuckles to himself. “You know you can stop calling those meetings, ‘meetings,’ right?”

“What do you mean?”

“Chan, you’ve been going on dates, with Minho and Lisa. Not meetings.”

Chan shrugs. “Given the nature of those meetings, kind of makes me reluctant to call them dates. And it would be awfully presumptuous of me, anyway.”

“They know what they signed up for, Chan. And every evaluation I had with them, they always referred to those ‘meetings’ as dates. You’re the only one who calls them as such,” Jaebum says. “And really, you’ve been admitting the past evals, that you liked seeing Minho than you do Lisa. If that isn’t an admission of liking someone, then what is it, Chan?”

“The experiments were to see if I do develop those feelings, but so far, I don’t think I have. But you say that there is enough data to transition into Phase 3,” Chan says and sighs. “Look, I know that I’ve been seeing Minho and Lisa, so I can have a point of comparison between my feelings for the two. And so far I’ve only ever admitted that yes, I do get more excited to see Minho, than Lisa. But that does instantly mean I like him, in the romantic sense?”

“Okay,” Jaebum leans on the table again and looks at Chan seriously. “I said I’m here as a friend, Chan. You don’t have to talk formally to me. And yes, I understand that feeling too. I get that. Falling in love isn’t easy, and admitting is just as hard, especially when it’s an entirely new one.”

“But how can you say I like Minho? I don’t really understand why wanting to see him more than Lisa, would already mean liking him.”

“I’m sorry for deciding that for you, Chan. But I need to know. The timeline for Phase 2 actually doesn’t end until two months from now, and I need to know that if you’re developing feelings for Minho, I would prefer to conclude Phase 2, as to not confuse or even hurt you. Besides, it would mean having enough data to keep the investors interested and happy. But I would prefer not to play with your feelings any more than this project already has,” Jaebum explains. “I would not dare to take more than you are able to give.”

“It’s just…” Chan starts, looking at his food and realizing he has no appetite. “It’s all so confusing.” He looks at the scientist who wears an understanding expression, but doesn’t say anything. “Maybe I do like him, but there are some other feelings that come with it. I feel anxious, because I don’t know what to say or do around him sometimes. I feel scared because I might say or do the wrong thing and scare him away. I feel adequate sometimes too, when he does these random actions that make me feel like he’s the best human being there is. I feel guilty, because I favor him over Lisa. And I feel shame too…when I stare at him too long, too much. 

“How can these negative feelings be associated with love?” Chan asks after a pause.

Jaebum smiles kindly at him. “I don’t have an answer to that, sorry. But that’s why love and falling in love isn’t easy, why it’s complicated.” The scientist raises his hand to signal a waiter. He asks for the bill. 

“You know, most times,” Jaebum says as he pays with his card. “There’s no rationalizing feelings. That’s why people think AI are incapable of love and feelings because there’s no making sense or reason with it. You’re made of binary codes and numbers, that follows a specific programming, and yet you feel these different emotions. It doesn’t always have to make sense. That’s why a lot of philosophers and thinkers disregard feelings and emotions because there is no understanding why and how we feel things that we rationally shouldn’t. But you know what? The important thing is that you acknowledge them for what they are, and that’s the most rationalized thing you can do concerning them.”

They leave the restaurant shortly. And Chan just follows Jaebum as they walk around a bit. They enter a small café where they get hot chocolates for the both of them. They sit at a corner table, and Jaebum doesn’t say anything.

Chan clears his throat. “…maybe…maybe I do like Minho…romantically, that is.”

Jaebum looks at him and smiles. He places a hand on the synthetic’s shoulder and squeezes just a slight. “I’m proud of you. Thank you for admitting that.”

“So…what happens with Phase 2?” Chan asks, playing with the cup jacket.

“Well. It’ll be officially concluded. Expect the fucking reps to come over the building sometime soon,” Jaebum says the last part with scorn. “Another shit ton of meetings, for sure.” Then he smiles at Chan over the rim of his coffee cup. “As for you, you get to decide whether you want to continue meeting Minho and Lisa outside the program. I won’t force you to meet them, and I won’t toy with your feelings like that.”

Chan smiles back at the scientist. “Thank you. I really appreciate that.”

Jaebum reached out to ruffle Chan’s hair. “Although, you guys would still have to meet for this weekend. You get to tell Minho and Lisa about the whole thing, and you get to ask Minho out on a real date. If you want to, that is.”

And Chan’s fears about the authenticity of Minho’s feelings once again makes itself known. Chan bites his lip, trying not to make it obvious that he was clearly reverting into his mind about the whole thing. But of course, Jaebum knows Chan more than he knows himself, and the scientist immediately notices.

“You don’t think he likes you, do you?” Jaebum asks.

Chan nods. “It’s stupid, I know.”

“It’s not stupid. It’s completely valid,” Jaebum says. “And I get why you’re worried.” 

“What do I do?” the synthetic asks.

“Well, I can only tell you to go for it and ask him. I can’t speak for Minho, though. All I can tell you is that he really does like to hang out with you, and that he sees you as a good friend.”

Chan frowns at the scientist. “If he already sees me as a friend, then there’s no point in asking, is there?”

Jaebum laughs. “Right. Well, when I said ask him, I actually meant ask him to be your friend first.”

“But you just told me to ask him out on a date,” Chan deadpans.

Jaebum smiles sheepishly. “I did say that, didn’t I?”

Chan punches Jaebum slightly on the shoulder. “You’re an ass if you want to be.”

“Well, it got you smiling,” Jaebum says. “I have a good feeling about Minho, though. I mean, I had the guy go over so many psych tests and evals, I’m pretty sure I know the reasons for his insecurities now.”

Chan chuckles. 

“But seriously, Chan, I think you shouldn’t give up on this. It’s your first time feeling like this, so why not savor it a bit? I mean, it wouldn’t hurt, will it?”

Chan scoffs lightheartedly. “I’m in a project that wants to see if I can fall in love,” Chan says. “I think there was no way no one was going to get hurt.”

Jaebum nods with a head tilt. “Then we have a decision?”

Chan nods with a sigh. “Yeah. I guess so… We’ll see how it goes from there.”

“I wish you all the luck, Chan.”

“Thank you.”

|||

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good dayyy (or night, depending really on your time zone)!
> 
> I hope you're doing well and safe.
> 
> I was a bit sad the last time I updated, but after a few days of stewing on my self-hate, I got over it eventually and have now come to understand that what had happened wasn't my fault. Things like that happen, and well, the best you can do is just accept it.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter. When I say this story is slow-burn, I meant it. There's a lot of thinking and contemplating that is going to happen before actual plot proceeds. I hope you don't mind that kind of writing style, since I'm more comfortable with that. I really like to get into the heads of my characters since it's my way of trying to understand my own emotions and thoughts.
> 
> Please kudos, bookmark, and comment whatever thoughts you have in mind! Constructive criticism is welcome.
> 
> Come say hi on instagram: @yoongiinthecity !


	5. v. you love without taking it for granted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> moodboard!
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/p/CLx9Ps8sBkF/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

|||

Chan had always found Lisa attractive. He recognized that she was beautiful, both in her appearance and character, and Chan had to wonder why someone like her would sign up in the program like theirs. In his mind, Lisa was the picture of anyone’s ideal partner. She was pretty, she was funny, she was kind, she loved animals, and she definitely could make her way in the kitchen. Chan had always thought that Lisa deserved a real relationship, and not some experimental one, where in the end, he hadn’t even developed further feelings for her than platonic fondness. He had avoided asking questions about Lisa and Minho’s reasons on signing up for the program, because he didn’t want to make them uncomfortable or make it seem that Chan only saw their ‘dates’ as what it was: an experiment, and not additionally an opportunity for Chan to meet new people outside his workplace. Lisa seemed to be someone who could have anyone she wanted, and although he initially felt confused with why she got into the program in the first place, he had learned to see it instead as a privilege, regardless of what Lisa’s reasons were for joining.

Their last ‘date’ was in Lisa’s place. She had offered to cook for him finally, both as a parting gift and a promise to see each other again when they both had time. He isn’t sure what she’s making for him, but he could tell--judging from the strong scent of spices in the air--that it was going to be another Thai dish.

“Are you sure that’s not going to burn my tongue off, this time?” Chan had asked when Lisa had confirmed she was remaking the same dish he had made him the first time.

“Relax, Channie, I adjusted some things. This time, I’m sure you’re going to like it,” she had said with a wink, and later shooed him away from the kitchen. Chan had spent the next few minutes leaning on the kitchen island, sipping on a glass of wine, and watching Lisa do her magic.

Chan places his glass down, just in time for Lisa to cover the pot on the stove and face him.

She smiles widely at him. “So, since this is the last time we’ll be seeing each other in this context, would you care spilling some secrets?” she says, pouring herself a glass of wine.

“Secrets? What kind of secrets?” Chan asks, eyeing the way Lisa swirls the red liquid in her glass. There was something eerily magnetic about it.

Lisa takes a sip. “About anything, everything. Just something that you haven’t told me during the past few weeks. Like, for example, now that the program has concluded earlier than expected, that would mean you guys have found what you’re looking for, wouldn’t it?”

“That would be correct,” he says, swirling his wine the same way Lisa did. “I caught feelings.”

It was strange to admit that out loud to someone who isn’t Jaebum or Bambam, or anyone who worked in the labs. It didn’t make Chan uncomfortable in admitting that, especially to Lisa, who he had known to be someone trustworthy the short time they’ve known each other. It was strange because he wasn’t completely sure about the validity of his feelings for Minho despite Jaebum’s assurances. But it was merely the process of elimination which makes him mostly sure about his feelings: the fact that his feelings for Minho aren’t the same as those he feels for other people.

Lisa hums in interest, and leans towards him. “Is it me?” she asks teasingly.

Chan smiles, but shakes his head. He feels kind of bad for not feeling anything for her, even though he had already acknowledged that she was perfectly likeable as a romantic partner. But as he had come to know, through Jaebum of course, loving and liking someone was not a choice an individual always had the privilege to make, and so despite Lisa’s being likeable and loveable, Chan finds himself unable to see her more than a dear friend.

To his surprise, Lisa’s face breaks into a wide smile. Her eyes widened in the same way someone instantly realizes something, and it was obvious that it was Minho Chan has feelings for. Lisa seems happy about it, Chan notices.

“Why do you seem so happy?” Chan asks, pretending to sound hurt. “Is my love not good enough for you?”

Lisa chuckles and waves it off. “No, that’s not it!” She quickly glances at the clock hanging near the closest wall, and gestures with her pointer finger to halt the conversation. Chan watches as she turns back to the stove to attend to her dish. She speaks with her back turned.

“Minho’s a lucky guy you know?” she looks over her shoulder to smile at him. “Help me set this up,” she adds, pointing towards the plates she had prepared on the kitchen island. Chan dutifully assists her as she readies their dinner onto their plates. He is mesmerized by the look of concentration on her face as she does the finishing touches to the dish.

Once the dishes have been set back on the island, Lisa looks up at Chan with an encouraging smile. “It’s not as spicy as last time, trust me,” she urges, and Chan accepts the utensils she hands over.

The noodle soup she made, indeed, isn’t as spicy as last time, and Chan looks up at Lisa who is watching him carefully. “Told you,” she says and digs into her own plate.

“It’s really good, Lisa,” he says. “I can finally taste the flavors,” he adds teasingly.

“Glad to hear it,” Lisa chuckles. “But I still have some milk in the fridge just in case.”

Chan laughs, and continues on the meal.

“So… Minho,” Lisa starts. She’s wiggling her eyebrows at him when he looks back at her. “How’d you know?”

Chan recalls to her his doubts about ever really knowing, and about the conversation he had with Jaebum about it. Lisa listens to him attentively as they eat. When Chan finishes, Lisa leans on her palm and sips on her wine.

“Honestly, I was kind of expecting the answer to go along the lines of: ‘It came out of nowhere during that one random thing he did on our last date’,” she says with dramatic mimicry of Chan’s voice before laughing. “But, I get it. You have more trouble understanding emotions than us humans who most of the time won’t even stop and try to understand them in the first place. That must have been hard, admitting it.”

Chan nods. “I’m still not sure, to be honest. But, I guess, I just have to take the leap of faith, or so Jaebum says,”

Lisa smiles. “Either way, Minho is lucky.”

“You keep saying that, why?” Chan frowns.

“Well, isn’t anyone who is loved, in any shape and form, lucky?” she points out. “You know, I’ve always envied people in the LGBT community, because they have this sacred perspective on love. Gays and lesbians, pansexuals and bisexuals, they all have been deprived or unable to fully love in the way that they should or know, because so many societies and cultures have deemed that kind of love as forbidden, unethical, sinful...so, for them, love is something sacred and powerful, especially when you find someone to love and someone to love you back. They don’t take it too easily, if you know what I mean. Sure some still take advantage of it, but that’s mostly because some societies have already normalized love in all forms that it becomes some sort of free commodity. But anyway, the community in general, has a different perspective on love because they have to fight harder for the right to even do so.”

She takes the bottle of wine to refill their glasses, she chuckles when she sees Chan’s confused expression.

“My point is, synthetics are somewhat the same. You have a different perspective on love than humans. To you, love is also something sacred and powerful. The LGBT community are adamant that they deserve to love just as strongly, and rightly so. But for you, you think that you don’t deserve to possess something as big as that, merely because of the fact that you think you’re less than human,” Lisa says, smiling softly at the synthetic. She reaches to touch his hand.

“But for you to admit that you feel, is you admitting that you deserve a shot at the whole love thing,” she continues. “And I think that Minho is lucky, because he’s liked by someone who doesn’t take love for granted.”

Chan feels warmed at Lisa’s words, and he takes her hand fully to give it a squeeze. “Thank you,” he says, and honestly, he does not know what else to say to what Lisa had just said. He’s grateful for her, for her words, and for her encouragement. But merely thanking her doesn’t seem to portray it accurately. Once again, Chan is confronted with the fact that feelings and emotions can get so strong that even words aren’t enough to describe them.

“I wish there was someone out there for you too,” Chan says. “I feel bad that I couldn’t be it for you, but I know that’s not something I get to decide.”

Lisa makes a sound of protest and shakes her head. “No, don’t think that, Channie. I’ll be fine, and besides, I can wait. I only signed up for the program because I literally just wanted to try something new. And I’m glad I did. I got to meet you and be friends with you, and that’s more than I can ask for. And before you say anything, yes, I do feel a bit bad not being given the rose,” she chuckles at her joke. “But that’s more of an ego thing, rather than an actual emotional disappointment.” she laughs.

Chan finds himself laughing with her. “Okay. I’ll take your word for it.”

“Don’t overthink it,” Lisa warns, pointing a finger at him in warning.

They finish the rest of the dinner, and Chan helps her with the dishes. She manages to get him dancing to some girl group pop song, and Chan finds himself knowing the point moves to it (he acknowledges it as another memory stored into his databank, but he wants to find out if the memory belonged to Jaebum, because that would be gold). Lisa opens another bottle of wine, and they sit on her couch as they look through Netflix for a good movie to watch (or good background noise for conversation).

Lisa basically forces him to agree to a rom-com, and Chan pretends to complain about it. But Chan surprises himself when he finds himself immersed in the movie. Lisa laughs at him when the movie ends, and Chan is bewildered by how love and relationships seem to be so easy.

“Trust me, it’s more than just saying sorry after an argument, with a bouquet of roses, and kissing and making up,” Lisa says as she picks up their glasses. “Rom-coms make love sound so dumb, honestly,” she scoffs.

They say goodbye afterwards, with promises to keep in touch. Chan leaves her apartment with a light heart. But it’s only when he’s lying on his bed that night, looking at the copy of Skellig on his bedside table that he realizes that the next week could be the last time he’ll ever see Minho.

He thinks back at Lisa’s comment about rom-coms giving an oversimplified perspective on love. He supposes that the process of relationships was easy, but going through it was what made it tough and complicated. Because it was then the many considerations were to be made, and relationships, he knew, had many things to be considered.

He is not naive to think that Minho wouldn’t react badly if Chan tells him about his feelings. People were unpredictable, and even if he had known Minho to be kind, he knew that he should prepare himself for whatever outcome there is. Sure they both were involved in the program, and knew what was at stake, but it did not make the fact that at least one was possibly going to get hurt, that he did not know how to predict Minho’s feelings, less tangible.

Chan sighs, and looks back at the copy of the book Minho bought for him. He remembers a line in the book, when the young protagonist asks why his little sister was sick, and his newly found friend simply tells him, “Sometimes we just have to accept that there are things we can’t know.” Those words were true, but it didn’t make his fear and anxiety go away.

|||


	6. vi. some people have a hard time expressing emotion, doesn't mean they don't feel them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii
> 
> This chapter moves the plot a bit. Not sure, since the timing of the events in the chapter are set after Chan has his first meeting with Minho. But yeah, Minchan content here after a few solo-Chan contemplations. :>>>

|||

Minho has come as a surprise for Chan in the next meetings after the first. It was as if the human had managed to shed a new skin and Chan was meeting an entirely new person. Sure, he was able to bring Minho out of his shell just a bit when they first met, but he was completely taken aback by the laidback and sassy personality Minho had freely presented. Chan had felt honored because it meant Minho already trusted him enough to be himself.

And Minho had also turned out to be a very curious, and very unapologetic about it.

They were at a different café this time. Minho had shared Chan’s affinity for the simple, and Chan had no complaints meeting Minho at a café, even if all they could do was probably talk and order more food. Chan had arrived first, since Jaebum had let him go earlier to meet Minho. But Chan thought it was mainly because the representative from their investors had stopped by and Jaebum wanted to spare Chan the borderline interrogation the businessman always seems to perform when seeing the synthetic. It was a good thing he had been there for an entirely different project.

Chan ordered a simple milk tea for himself since he had been discouraged to drink coffee as much as he can. He was there earlier than the agreed time, and Chan didn’t mind having to wait. He could always text the human, but he never got to actually sending the first message even after acquiring Minho’s number shortly after meeting him. Besides, he didn’t want to rush Minho into coming. As far as he knew, Minho would be arriving straight from work, and knowing the human worked as a dance instructor, he’d probably be tired than usual.

He had entertained himself with reading a few articles and research on artificial intelligence, since it was already being hinted at that he’d partake in creating AI in the near future. He didn’t want to presume, but reading about his own nature and species wouldn’t hurt. Half an hour had passed, and Minho finally walked through the café entrance. He looked around for Chan, and sure enough, upon meeting the synthetic’s eyes, he smiled and rushed towards his table.

“Did you wait too long?” Minho had asked, and Chan shook his head.

“Nope, don’t worry. Wanna sit down before ordering? How was work?” he asked, easing the human into conversation.

Minho took of his coat before sitting down. “Thanks. Work was exhausting!” Minho groaned, with an eye-roll. “I did tell you I was teaching idol trainees on the side, right?”

Chan hadn’t recalled but he wasn’t given the chance to even shake his head, since Minho had continued speaking.

“Well anyway, these trainees were newbies. They’re basically babies straight out of the auditions, and I had to assist teaching them some basic dance moves,” Minho began. “And there was this kid, who’s supposedly the best at dancing in their batch, but, boy, did he have an attitude problem.”

“That isn’t normal for idol trainees?” Chan managed to ask.

“Oh, there are definitely a few brave ones who think they could just skip the whole training and just debut after a month or two, but I have never had to deal with one until now,” the human explained. “And shit, I honestly wanted to bash his head onto a wall. And this is just the first of many lessons.”

“That’s violent,” Chan commented. “What did the trainee even do?”

Minho straightened himself in his seat, and clicked his tongue as if preparing himself for a long-awaited rant. “Oh, man. Where do I start?” he said with a polite expression but no less terrifying. “You know what? I’m gonna get myself a coffee before I start, this is going to be a long one.” The human declared before standing up and walking to the counter.

Chan had been dumbfounded at Minho’s new personality, but he hadn’t been uncomfortable. It felt natural somehow, and so when Minho came back and started ranting about the trainee’s inability to want to be taught, Chan listened attentively and laughed at the seemingly violent comments the human was making (he somehow knew that Minho hadn’t actually meant it, and that fitting a teenager into a small air fryer would undoubtedly be impossible).

And when Minho had exhausted himself with his work-related woes, he turned to Chan and said, “Enough about me, I’ve probably shared way too much for a second date.”

That was the first time Minho had addressed their meetings as dates, but Chan didn’t pay too much mind about it.

“What do you want to know?” Chan asked, and Minho looked contemplative for a while.

“I want to know a lot actually,” the human said, laughing and playing with his straw. “Especially about your being synthetic. Would that be rude?” he asked. He had given Chan this expression that was silently asking permission if it was okay to ask him questions about something so personal.

“No, not really. I’m glad you asked,” Chan smiled, already feeling embarrassed. Lisa hadn’t asked about his being synthetic the first times they met, but she had the ability to ask for some details about him in subtle ways. Chan had for the most part, been surrounded by people who knew what he was, and people who basically knew him better than he knew himself. They had created him, after all, and he had gotten used to people telling him what he can and can’t do, and what he is and what he can be. The few people that he had encountered who didn’t, had been limited to the ignorant and rude representatives who already had presumptions about his person.

And he had to be honest that these people, Lisa and Minho, were genuinely curious and respectful about his own boundaries.

“I don’t mind it. I mean, no doubt you’d be curious and you’d have questions about it,” Chan had said.

Minho chuckled. “Yeah, I didn’t wanna Google anything ‘cause I’m afraid I might read some shit about AI being violent or emotionally-unstable. I doubt that’s what you are, and I thought that it’s better to ask you straightforward than making my own assumptions.”

“That’s smart,” Chan found himself smiling. “And I appreciate that.”

“Cool,” Minho shrugged, smiling. “You can tell me off if I ask something rude, I don’t mind. I can be a bit…” Minho twisted his hand in a circular motion. “Too much?”

“It’s fine,” Chan said, and he was honestly fine with it. “What do you wanna know?”

Minho leans forward, as if he was going to disclose something clandestine. “What can humans do that you can’t?”

Chan thought about it. There are a few really, but he contemplated on his answer as he played with his cup. “Well, I can’t vomit,” Chan listed. “No gag reflex, whatsoever.” He reached to softly slap at Minho when he wiggled his eyebrows in a suggestive manner.

“You have to admit, you handed that to me, and there was no way I couldn’t make a jab at it!” Minho chuckled.

Chan just shook his head. “Do you want to know more or what?”

“Please, continue,” Minho said after calming down.

“I can’t really get sick,” Chan recalled having a bug going around the office a few months back, and Chan had been more or less immune to it. “Uh, it takes a great deal of alcohol or drugs, to actually affect me. I guess you can say I have a really high tolerance for alcohol.”

“Question, have you really tested that out?” Minho asked.

“Yeah,” Chan laughed at the memory. “It was one of the best experiments we’ve done, actually. One of the best, in my opinion, anyway. Bambam, a coworker of mine threw, a birthday party, and invited the whole office to a bar. Jaebum thought it was the best setting for an experiment. So, they had Bambam, who had the highest tolerance at the office, and me have a drinking challenge of sorts where we went through the bar’s entire menu from the weakest to the strongest drinks.”

“Oh my God, what happened?” Minho’s jaw dropped slightly in anticipation.

“We both never got to the end of the menu honestly,” Chan said. “But, mostly because Bambam couldn’t drink anymore halfway through.” Chan felt oddly proud in admitting that. Maybe it probably sprung from the knowledge that he was better than Bambam at something.

“And you weren’t drunk?!” Minho asked, his eyes shining with entertainment.

“I got a bit tipsy,” Chan admitted. “But I was sure I was on the way. We had to cut it off because Bambam literally threw up on the bartender.”

Minho burst into laughter. “That must have been a sight, what the hell!” Chan watched the human laugh some more until tears formed at the corners of his eyes.

“Oh, and I can’t cry,” Chan realized, watching Minho wipe at his eyes.

Minho frowned. “Really? Then how else are your eyes cleaned or whatever?”

Chan shrugged, “My eyes don’t get irritated easily, I guess.”

“But isn’t your primary function to feel? Express emotions, whatsoever?” Minho asked further, leaning his cheek against the back of his hand.

“Yeah. It’s kind of ironic, isn’t it? Crying is like the strongest expressions of emotions, and I can’t do it. You could say that it’s already a failure in itself, since it would indicate that I don’t feel empathy or sadness, or even happiness.”

“But you do, don’t you?” Minho asserted. “Some human people just have a hard time expressing emotion, doesn’t mean they don’t feel them,” he pointed out and shrugged. “And besides, you’re not missing out on much. Crying is annoying as fuck. Especially when you don’t want to.”

“I hear it’s a good catharsis,” Chan supposed. “Better and healthier than lashing out or whatever.”

Minho shrugged again. “I guess. Is your inability to cry from a mechanical aspect?”

Chan nodded. “Yeah, I mean, biologically, people have already covered how that works. It’s a series of sensory input triggering some nerves, and Jaebum and the others have created a more or less similar mechanism with me. But crying and tears has always been a mysterious aspect about the human body. And well, I might be able to feel, but my program can’t register it as something more than a code. In other words, I might be able to cry. But I’m not really expecting much. Like you said, I’m not missing out on much.”

“Have you tried going on a sad and angsty movie binge?” Minho asked. “Because that would be a good experiment to do.”

Chan laughed. “Jaebum had me watch some short sad and inspirational video clips. I wasn’t able to cry, but we’ve surmised that it might take a really overwhelming sensory stimulus to actually trigger crying,” Chan explained. “But I might take you on that. I don’t really watch a lot of movies.”

Minho gasped. “How could you not?!”

The rest of the afternoon was spent with Minho suggesting lists upon lists of movies for Chan to watch, and insisting that the next time they see each other, they were going to see a movie. Chan didn’t complain, and just laughed at how endearing Minho was making a big deal out of his apparently ‘uncultured ass.’ The human decided that he was going to make him watch sad movies first, and when they parted ways, he gave Chan a hug goodbye.

Once he got home, Chan looked up the movie suggestions Minho had narrowed down for him. He told Jaebum about it when he called after dinner for their evaluation, and although Jaebum didn’t really believe Chan would be able to cry watching sad movies, he had suggested a few movies as well before bidding him goodnight.

Chan honestly didn’t want to watch the movies just to see if it would get him to cry, but he wanted to watch them so he’d get to understand Minho’s love for movies and drama, and to have something to talk about with the human. He had realized he would much rather listen to Minho talk about the most random things, from stories about work, to his three cats. Besides, Chan didn’t have any stories himself to tell, not much to say to Minho who already had a lifetime of experiences to take inspiration from. All Chan had was the evaluation with Jaebum where he simply talked about how he felt and how the meeting with Lisa and Minho went.

He didn’t want to think it was sad. But he can’t help but feel like he was.

|||

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next update will be on Friday!
> 
> Kudos and comment!

**Author's Note:**

> Lemme know what you think!
> 
> Kudos, comment, and bookmark!
> 
> And don't hesitate to message me here or DM me on my IG account. I don't post there and I may not seem active but I lurk there like how Chan lurks the internet.
> 
> Stay safe always!


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